A THOUGHT ABOUT G*D
It has been brought to my attention by someone close that I have had a break in my faith. I thought this statement to be most queer because I do not see it. But when a person who as close to you brings up concerns or what they feel to be important, I believe one should stop and think about what they have said. I am lucky, I have people who are close to me that keep me on track and they are not stupid people. They are “pretty” smart. So when my dear friend stated that he felt that I had lost my faith and was angry with G*D. I just had to think about what was said and because it is me, more important WHY.
I start with the statement being angry with G*D. I thought, was I angry and if so why. Some people around me would believe it was because of the stupid Cancer. It seems like everyone around me wants to put everything on the Cancer. I don’, it is just something in my life to be addressed and overcome like anything else. But I guess, I can see how people may see it that way. I thought on it and I am not angry with G*D. I have not display any of my negative or bad behaviors which I have when harboring anger. I had to look at what behaviors I have display which may appear to look as if I was angry with G*D or anything else. I have had one fit of yelling but that is not anger with G*D as it is anger with me and not being able to control every single thing in my life. That is one thing that Cancer does effect is ones abilities to self control their life. Too many appointment, test, treatments, and other people attitude and fears about Cancer.
Since this issue of anger had been explored and did not reveal anything to assist with my friends concerns. I next had to look at my faith and what I call my relationship with G*D. I have heard my Christians friends talk about what they call “Their close personal relations with Christ” I ask myself do I have that? Before I could go there I had to ask myself what did they mean and how do I understand that statement. I want everyone to know if you Bing this “close personal relationship with Christ” you will get over nine million Web listing, try it if you don’t believe me. I did not read all Nine Million sites and I know that has some of you flipped out who really know me but this is just one of those really “unanswerable” questions and not even I can find the answer on this one. But do check out some of the sites they are a trip. Now back to the question of relationship with G*D. Let cover some background on how I approach my faith.
First of all know that I am Jewish. I have logically chosen to accept Christ. And…, NO, I am not going to argue The Jew or Christian thing, in this writing because the focus here is my relationship with the Lord in which my friend is concerned and very worried.
What is my relationship with G*d and how do I feel about the whole G*D thing anyways. You know? I really never have thought about it before this pasted week. Funny to sit and think about something which is so simple for me, I thought. But my friend deserved an answer. What is G*D to me? G*D is the person or feeling I talk with daily. It is the feeling of not being alone and having a constancy of companionship at all times. I know this does not sound right but this is how I feel. My friend stated that the reason he felt I had walked away from my faith was because I was not reading, studying, or praying any more since the stupid Cancer thing started. I could see that may seem like a behavioral change. But the behavior my friend had witness is how I cope with thing most of the time. I have to become still and quit and focus my mind. This type of activities for me does not leave much time to do other activities. I have to it taken on faith and this is the time when I just think. I had a man sum 25 years ago tell me that there comes a time to put the books away and trust what you know and just do. This is a time for quit thought and open dialogue with G*D. Now this could be a Jewish thing or it could just be a faith thing. My friend was concern about how a prayed and I will explain it to you as I explained to him. I don’t ask G*D for things. I ask for him to keep me strong and keep me from being taking down the wrong path in the things to come. See I do feel that we may be very close to the End of Days and I just don’t want to go negative during that time. See it does worry me because eating means everything to me. I just don’t want to sell out on G*D for Bread. I have never asked the Lord to help me with location of a job, money when I need it, or healing when ill. I am not sure if other prays like I do because praying is a private thing as we are told in my Jewish faith. One does not do it openly. One is to go quit to their place and have dialogue with G*D. I do not blame G*D for events in my life good or bad. I take responsibility for my actions due to the fact that we do have Free Will. G*D does not force us to be a part of him and his gifts. I have made this choice but with this choice there are rules and ways of living which I feel are very good for me. There is also the other side to this choice of G*D there is also the dark force which fights daily to destroy all. I was told by another person who had this G*D thing down very well and he stated “closer you come to your G*D hard the dark force will fight to drag you down and break your faith” Now, I believe this. You will hear “Why does G*D allow things to happen” remember there are two forces working out there. That should help some. I was also asked by this friend if I thought I was being tested. This was interesting because this really had not crossed my mind. Tested, WHY, I believe that G*D know my heart. I think it would be a pretty lame test in the since what is going on in my life is not the bad or hard. If G*D was going to tested you, I think he would do something BIGGER. I could be wrong.
The point is… I don’t feel that I have dropped my faith or walked away from G*D. It appears that things are like they always have been. But let me share what I have learned. I know that I have some very special people around me that care. I know like my G*D they will never walk away or I from them. I know they are there to keep me on track and moving forward in my life with a since of reality and focus. My friend I spoke of is really two people very close to me my husband and best friend. I love them both very much. Jimmy has been with me now for 18 years come this week and we have had both the good and the bad of days but it is the bad that brings us “oh so ever close”. The other is Mike who I have known for 30 years. A brother he is too me and like my husband he has always been there. I am a very lucky person to have both of these special men in my life. One as my husband and the other I call friend. These are two of my gifts from G*D and that is enough to prove that G*D is real to me and in my life.
