after the fact on the way back

it has been along year.  many changes and evals on what life really means.  we really don't stop to think about this until we are forced.  well i was forced and glad that it happen.  now i set here writing this when i should be a sleep.  have class in the morning and work to complete for one of my contracts, but yet not a sleep.  i started thinking about this past year.  when it is dark and it is quite one does think ... i do.  cancer free for now,  look how i put that.  FOR NOW  it run in your  mind when will it come back and where and how bad.  but you can not live like that it makes you crazy and trust me i don't need that.  so then you ask your self what has changed.  as i look around me right now it all look pretty normal.  my desk is full of papers, charts, work for my contracts, notes of task that must be done set up in the levels of how they will bug me (that is my way), two cups of coffee a smoke in the ash tray, and all of my puppies like my family asleep.  i have made my nightly call to my pop, mike help me over the cell phone with my ECO homework and exam per up and jim is out like a light and i had my weekly let's bitch talk with melinda this morning and i will have to get up  in just a few hours for class and work.  and here i set writing this asking the question what has changes.  from those above statements you think nothing. it all seem like the before time.  the time when this was not an issues in my life.  hell i need has an issues until now.  guess i am just like other people after all.  that was just a joke.   there is even a old black and white move on with Pat O'Neil and Ronnie HOW COOL IS THAT.

but yet things have changed. i have changed.  no time can be wasted any more.  no one in my life can be taken for granted anymore, and sometime it is about the other person.  i struggle with the fact if i will ever be what i call 100%  maybe i will and maybe i will not.  i have to pace myself. slow down PLEASE  something that i have not ever done in my life.  now i have to take a nap (right now it seems to happen in my business law class)  and have to watch my daily activities (like wanting to do everything RIGHT NOW)  to make sure i don't wipe my self out.  this is not so bad (really does suck to have to changes your ways after 50 years).  but i do have fear at time i will not get all done.  then i ask myself get what done?  well who knows.  i am lucky it could have been real bad.  just heard a story (they are great at the cancer center to tell really suck story about people dropping dead)  the other day during one of my many after care test and follow up that this women found out she had breast cancer and she just died. dam.  i have been very lite about it all on the outside but 4 people (jim mike melinda pop) knew the fear. 

so this is what has changed.  i was not  brave i had fear and my friends and father knew that.  they were there when i thought i would brake and help me stay off depression (jim knew this side).  they were there to let me know that it would be OK (pop).  they held me listen to me and made me understand that we ( yes mike I know you just I) would get pass it.  so what the rest of you saw was what they give me.  they are the ones who were brave not me. 

what is changed is that i know my friends and father love me and that makes all the different in the world.  it is the healing power friends, a parent, and my jimmy

thank you all for my life. i would say i owe you one but all of you know IT IS ALL ABOUT ME (right melinda)