THOUGHT OF G*D

A THOUGHT ABOUT G*D


It has been brought to my attention by someone close that I have had a break in my faith. I thought this statement to be most queer because I do not see it. But when a person who as close to you brings up concerns or what they feel to be important, I believe one should stop and think about what they have said. I am lucky, I have people who are close to me that keep me on track and they are not stupid people. They are “pretty” smart. So when my dear friend stated that he felt that I had lost my faith and was angry with G*D. I just had to think about what was said and because it is me, more important WHY.

I start with the statement being angry with G*D. I thought, was I angry and if so why. Some people around me would believe it was because of the stupid Cancer. It seems like everyone around me wants to put everything on the Cancer. I don’, it is just something in my life to be addressed and overcome like anything else. But I guess, I can see how people may see it that way. I thought on it and I am not angry with G*D. I have not display any of my negative or bad behaviors which I have when harboring anger. I had to look at what behaviors I have display which may appear to look as if I was angry with G*D or anything else. I have had one fit of yelling but that is not anger with G*D as it is anger with me and not being able to control every single thing in my life. That is one thing that Cancer does effect is ones abilities to self control their life. Too many appointment, test, treatments, and other people attitude and fears about Cancer.

Since this issue of anger had been explored and did not reveal anything to assist with my friends concerns. I next had to look at my faith and what I call my relationship with G*D. I have heard my Christians friends talk about what they call “Their close personal relations with Christ” I ask myself do I have that? Before I could go there I had to ask myself what did they mean and how do I understand that statement. I want everyone to know if you Bing this “close personal relationship with Christ” you will get over nine million Web listing, try it if you don’t believe me. I did not read all Nine Million sites and I know that has some of you flipped out who really know me but this is just one of those really “unanswerable” questions and not even I can find the answer on this one. But do check out some of the sites they are a trip. Now back to the question of relationship with G*D. Let cover some background on how I approach my faith.

First of all know that I am Jewish. I have logically chosen to accept Christ. And…, NO, I am not going to argue The Jew or Christian thing, in this writing because the focus here is my relationship with the Lord in which my friend is concerned and very worried.

What is my relationship with G*d and how do I feel about the whole G*D thing anyways. You know? I really never have thought about it before this pasted week. Funny to sit and think about something which is so simple for me, I thought. But my friend deserved an answer. What is G*D to me? G*D is the person or feeling I talk with daily. It is the feeling of not being alone and having a constancy of companionship at all times. I know this does not sound right but this is how I feel. My friend stated that the reason he felt I had walked away from my faith was because I was not reading, studying, or praying any more since the stupid Cancer thing started. I could see that may seem like a behavioral change. But the behavior my friend had witness is how I cope with thing most of the time. I have to become still and quit and focus my mind. This type of activities for me does not leave much time to do other activities. I have to it taken on faith and this is the time when I just think. I had a man sum 25 years ago tell me that there comes a time to put the books away and trust what you know and just do. This is a time for quit thought and open dialogue with G*D. Now this could be a Jewish thing or it could just be a faith thing. My friend was concern about how a prayed and I will explain it to you as I explained to him. I don’t ask G*D for things. I ask for him to keep me strong and keep me from being taking down the wrong path in the things to come. See I do feel that we may be very close to the End of Days and I just don’t want to go negative during that time. See it does worry me because eating means everything to me. I just don’t want to sell out on G*D for Bread. I have never asked the Lord to help me with location of a job, money when I need it, or healing when ill. I am not sure if other prays like I do because praying is a private thing as we are told in my Jewish faith. One does not do it openly. One is to go quit to their place and have dialogue with G*D. I do not blame G*D for events in my life good or bad. I take responsibility for my actions due to the fact that we do have Free Will. G*D does not force us to be a part of him and his gifts. I have made this choice but with this choice there are rules and ways of living which I feel are very good for me. There is also the other side to this choice of G*D there is also the dark force which fights daily to destroy all. I was told by another person who had this G*D thing down very well and he stated “closer you come to your G*D hard the dark force will fight to drag you down and break your faith” Now, I believe this. You will hear “Why does G*D allow things to happen” remember there are two forces working out there. That should help some. I was also asked by this friend if I thought I was being tested. This was interesting because this really had not crossed my mind. Tested, WHY, I believe that G*D know my heart. I think it would be a pretty lame test in the since what is going on in my life is not the bad or hard. If G*D was going to tested you, I think he would do something BIGGER. I could be wrong.

The point is… I don’t feel that I have dropped my faith or walked away from G*D. It appears that things are like they always have been. But let me share what I have learned. I know that I have some very special people around me that care. I know like my G*D they will never walk away or I from them. I know they are there to keep me on track and moving forward in my life with a since of reality and focus. My friend I spoke of is really two people very close to me my husband and best friend. I love them both very much. Jimmy has been with me now for 18 years come this week and we have had both the good and the bad of days but it is the bad that brings us “oh so ever close”. The other is Mike who I have known for 30 years. A brother he is too me and like my husband he has always been there. I am a very lucky person to have both of these special men in my life. One as my husband and the other I call friend. These are two of my gifts from G*D and that is enough to prove that G*D is real to me and in my life.

A BOY AND HIS CHICKEN

Early in our farm days here at Shilo Ridge Ranch, Tookie befriended and raised a baby chicken.  Tookie has amazing power over chickens and most farm pets.  He worked with his chicken, Fang daily until he had him doing tricks.  Fang would come to Tookie when called, would walk up his arm, and as you see sit on his shoulder.  Fang could also walk across bridges that Tookie would make for him, roll over, and jump up and down.

Tookie and that pet chicken Fang were the best of friends but I did have a problem with him wanting to have Fang sleep with him.  We did put a bird gage in his room where Fang could stay at night.  This seem to work well until Fang learned how to get out.  I know this because when, I came in late one night to check on Tookie, Fang was sleep next to his head and both seem to be very happy.  We did find out the Fang would take a bath so it was not so bad having a house broke chicken, more then I can say for the dog. 

Fang past away about year and half ago.  Tookie has not picked another chicken to date because he really missed his little fang.  Today he has many dogs which keeps him busy working and playing with them.  Morgan on the other hand can not stand chickens, cows, or any other farm pet.  She does work the horses and does very well.

ME AND THE BABY GOAT

This little goat was born on one of the coldest days of the year in 2008.  I remember the day well because it was the day I had to also pick my husband up at the airport in Tulsa, OK.  I did not know what to do so I took the baby goat with us.  I stopped at the feed store to pick up baby goat mike and a bottle off to Tulsa we went.  We arrived at the airport early and Jim's flight had not touch down yet.  You know you are in Oklahoma when you see a goat at the airport.  I remember this businessman from New York ask me about the goat.  He was surprise when I answer him with a New York accent.  Yes we are those people who left the east to come to the west to be farmer.  I have learned a lot since those days and baby goats don't go to the airport any more.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

MADNESS OF COST AND CONFUSION

It is not the cancer that will get you as much as the cost and the confusing which accompany the disease. The cost is a worry because what the insurances company does not pick up you will have to pay and the confusing comes from the doctor’s office, the Insurances Company, hospitals, and testing and treatment center. It gets MADDING.
Let my share a little story of the experiences I have had so far. In a way it is funny if you knew me personal and how an approach things in my life. Guess, I need to back up and explain that too. See I am a business person who works freelance. Time is money and completed project is money. Simple way to understand how a make my money. I cannot help that every time I am confronted with an issue in my life, that a face it as a project. This is where the problem lies.
I told that I have cancer. OK, my question how are we going to fix it and how will it completed. And oh yes how much will it cost. My questions are pretty to the point and I want to know all the opposition that I may have.
The first interaction with madness and confusing came the day I was going to have the Lumpectomy. I presented myself at the check in point at the hospital where I was told by a clerk, that I need to make a 200.00 deposit before the surgery. When I ask her why, she just looked at me like I had many breast dangling from my chest. I told her that I have not been informed of this before hand and that all I had brought to the hospital was my Insurances Card, my Blackberry, and my Breast. She then proceeded to argue the point that a deposit had to be made and that I did not have insurances. I told her to bill my insurances in which I had given the information earlier in the week during post surgical pre-up. She continues to argue. I just turned around and started to walk out. This was stupid. After awhile she saw it my way and I went to have the surgery which was changed to having biopsies as told in an early post.
The next difficulty with madness and confussing was when I was billed 1500.00 by the hospital because they did not bill the insurances company. This placed me on the phone with the hospital billing office requesting that once again they bill the insurances company. They had to argue. HOSPITAL PLEASE!
The next problem was being told by one of my doctor that I must have what they call a PET scan. I did check and this is a nesses thing to have done with cancer treatment. The office had set me up with a company in town which did this scan and I thought everything was set. The day before the scan I called to confirm my appointment. The lady on the phone stated that she was glad that I called because she needs to give me instruction for the scan. It was three o’clock when I call. I was told that I could eat 6-8 hours before the scan and would only have water and that medication which could only be taken with water. I could not where any cloths that have metal such as jeans. Okay all this was fine, but then she hit me with “you will need to pay 450.00 before we can do the scan”. I ask her to bill the insurances company and she stated that they did not do that first and I must pay this up front first. I am out of work like many people in this county and I do not have 450.00 just laying around. And there is no way I can get that type of money now in such short order. I ask if I could pay half on the day of the scan and half on my husband next pay day. She said that could not be done. I started to call around to find other place which did the same work and did find one company about 70 miles from my home. When I went to my doctor office and was ask about the scan and why I did not do it I told him that I could not because I did not have the money. I was told that I was not talking care of my health and not doing what had to be done. This pissed me off. I could not do because I do not have the money. Later I found out that my doctor has interest in that company. You have to love that. I called again the company in town and they were will to work with me. 225.00 On the day of the scan and the pay it out. What bull shit and all of that put treatment and decisions on hold for another week.
The next blow up came after I saw my new doctor who placed me on medication that I must take for the next five years. Does not seem like much of a problems other then the really bad side effects that one will just have to cope with. I had the prescription filled and was off to complete my planned day. I had a call from the doctor office. The lady told me that my insurance company would not pay for the medication. She told me to call the place for medication assistance. Okay what do you think when you hear this. Dam this shit must be “real” expense (this is what I thought). I ask her how much the medication was and she stated that she did not know. I ask her what I could do if they did not accept me for assistance and I could not come up with the money to pay for the medication. The woman from the doctor office began to tell me that I did not care for my health, was not following doctor instruction, and did I want to die. I just hung up the phone. Second time I had been told that I wanted to DIE. If I wanted to DIE I would not be doing everything I can to LIVE. I call and the Pharmacy stated that the medication is $23.00 per month and that my insurance company did not pay for that medication. Okay I am sure even with employment that I can pay $23.00 for a medication that I need to save my life. But I also know that some people $23.00 could break them now.
When I got home I calm down and called the doctor office to once again educate people in business practices and health care. I started by tell the women that the medication was only $23.00 per month, that this be a problem for some people, and that the information that she had given me would important for them. I then proceed to tell her that from this point forward NO ONE in her office or any other office will make statement that I did not care about taking care of my life and that I want to kill myself.
Coping with cancer is one thing and it can be done and done well. But managing these health care people and their daily bull shit is what drags you down. Hell even the insurance company is easier to manage. If you ask a doctor if there is something else that can be done they get crazy on you. It is my life and I want to know what can be done and how. It is my right and all people out there. You are not being combative or unwilling to live. You just want to make the right choice for you.
And in enclosing with this if you do not have the money; you just do not have the money. Cancer cost money and the money issue is what makes it MADDING AND CONFUSING.

LIFE CHANGED BY A WORD

Life can be changed by just a word. I know this because on June 15, 2010, my world changed by just a word.

It was not really what a call a normal day. It was the day, I was going to start my new position with a local Substance Abuse treatment center. I was happy to get back in the the "old businesses" again, since I had been out of it for awhile. Had one side trip first to the doctor office because my husband and mother-in-law were concerned about a hardness I had shown them on my left breast. To me it was due to ranch work, horses, loading and unloading feed and hay, and repair work. "NO BIG DEAL"

I had the appointment at 11:00 am and was into to see my doctor fast like he does. His face and attitude was like always happy and up beat. We talked about the horses and why I had come to see him. (see I don't go often). I told him about the hardness on the breast and he began his exam. His face took on a concern look and the next thing I know I was being set up for tests and to see a surgeon. What the hell was going on. I did not have time to "freak" just get the appointments and have them set early in the morning so they would not effect my work schedule. I then when off for my first day of work.

The following day I went to the new Hospital in town to have a mammogram. OK this is not the best thing in the world. They smashed my breast so much I thought it was going to just fall off. The mammogram tech was a little bit of a girl and sweet as she could be. But into the exam her face became concerned and I knew now that the "shit had hit the fan". It did not look good. Next step was the surgeon who began to tell my that the lump had to be removed and how it was going to be done. The surgery was set for a week later. Damm it moving too fast. NO one could answer questions I had and I did not understand what was going on.

The day of the surgery everything got stop because another doctor wanted to do more test. The tech was worry and show my mammogram to the regular doctor. See the day I was there the regular doctor was out. This doctor wanted to do more test and that they did. It hurt like hell but 2 days later I found out that I had Breast Cancer and was looking at a whole new world.